Top tips_ how to get ahead at university

There is always a temptation when starting university, to be a bit “post-truth” when it comes to the works of literature you have actually read.

One simple trick is to always buy your books second-hand so if anyone picks up a copy of Ulysses from your bookshelf it will look well-thumbed – even if your digits didn’t do the thumbing.

That way, you can pretend that not only is Tom Hiddleston your boyfriend but at night he likes to read Crime And Punishment to help lull you to sleep which, although adorable, is probably why things didn’t work out between him and Taylor.

Of course, if you really want to impress people, instead of claiming to have read the canon, it is much cooler to brag about having rejected it entirely.


corned beef horseradish sauce Why would I want to read Dickens, you can sigh on your first day, when I can connect with the real authentic Victorian experience by reading the secret diary of a lesbian immigrant boxer told entirely in Jamaican patois, but sure, let me know how things work out for Tiny Tim.

Avoid anyone who claims On The Road is their favourite book. shrimp horseradish sauce Unless, that is, you’re impressed by the type of person who thinks the best female love interests are 15-year-old Mexican farm workers who can’t read.

If in doubt, read Animal Farm, then you can authoritatively call everything Orwellian, even if you’re just referring to an episode of Peppa Pig.

Cooking is boring and tedious unless you are trying to impress someone. baby chicks meat grinder Making things from scratch is for Frontiers people on the great prairies of America in the 19th century and people in their 40s going through identity crises.

Besides, you are young enough to have enough vegetables in your bloodstream to keep things ticking over till you’re at least 28. goat meat wanted You will not get rickets and if you do, just throw a Berocca into your West Coast Cooler.

You don’t want to know the chicken you’re picking from your teeth had a nice life, wandered around idyllic farmyards and had a weekly reiki circle. meat ideas for toddlers How is that going to make you feel better about eating it?

You want to know that the animal you’re about to dunk in barbecue sauce was a total arsehole that deserved to die young. mf doom meat grinder lyrics Ask your butcher to go through his cuts by which animals were probably the most difficult to be around socially and then you won’t feel so bad about eating them.

Instead of trying to trick new people into liking you for your cooking, baking is much more successfully passive-aggressive. food ideas for thanksgiving potluck Bring one homemade cake to your first study group and you will be called the people’s Nigella Lawson till graduation at least.

If you want to save money, buy the cut-price food in supermarkets just before it’s about to go off. meat ideas for dinner party The thrill you feel as you eat something that may or may not kill you will give you all the adrenalin of extreme sports but it’s a lot cheaper. meat ideas for graduation party If you really want to impress people, insist on eating all meals with chopsticks or claim to have cut out certain food groups for political reasons. food ideas for christmas brunch Or give dumpster-diving a go. food ideas for toddlers picky eaters Scavenging for food in next door’s bins is a great way of saving money on food and finding out your neighbour’s credit rating.

Save money by going to the cinema in the afternoon and then when your film is over, just wander into whatever screening is starting next looking distracted. picture of a meat grinder Be careful, you will not know what film it is till the rating card. easy food ideas for graduation party This is how I ended up seeing Sex and The City 2 11 times.

When you go to see a film, always claim you’ve seen the original in French and have read the book it’s based on, even if it’s Transformers: Rise of The Machines. food ideas for a christmas brunch If you do go to see the big summer action blockbusters, remember to say out loud at least five times that it’s obviously an allegory for American anxiety in a post 9/11 global landscape. food ideas for picky toddlers Always say your favourite film is Taxi Driver; I’ve been claiming that since I was 11.

Music is boring. walmart meat grinder It’s just musical comedy with all the jokes taken out or the soundtrack with no film. walmart meat grinder electric Only listen to inspirational music to make you feel better about not studying for your exams.

Avoid anyone who claims to love jazz music. food definitions glossary You know who else loved jazz music? Woody Allen and Bill Cosby, and look what happened to them. chicken game theory Classical musical is for hold music and creating tension in period dramas. walmart electric meat grinders People only sat down and listened to it in olden times because they were so relieved not to be dying of TB.

This is their cycle of plays: Seán O’Casey play, maybe daringly produced in modern-day costumes, a Brian Friel play and then an Oscar Wilde play near Christmas time.

Every now and then they will take a risk on a new playwright, usually some up-and-coming middle-aged man. happy mrs chicken game download This play will always be set in a kitchen during a wake for a deceased father figure who may or may not represent the Civil War. happy mrs chicken game for kids Dark secrets will unfurl as one by one the children out themselves as secret alcoholics, homosexuals or Protestants.

Or there is an adaption of a Russian play, where you can see Irish actors put on English accents and pretend to be from St Petersburg. chicken invaders 4 game download free Only ever see something if it’s written by a woman or a BAME playwright, otherwise I guarantee the whole night will be like being stuck across from that uncle at Christmas who posts too much on Facebook.

If, during a play, there are more than three white men on stage, get up and walk out, saying loudly: “ Yeah, sorry I think I get the gist of it. chicken run game download free It’ll be something to do with their mams not loving them enough.”

You will be better off seeing a musical with somebody that got to the final four in X -Factor or was in Emmerdale. chicken plays with vacuum Never ever go see any production of a Romeo and Juliet set during the Troubles. thunderbird meat grinder tb 300e Ever.

If you have to, loudly heckle: “Which one of you is supposed to be Mo Mowlan?” If you think the play you’re at might be tackling the effect the Celtic tiger had on the Irish soul, start a small fire as quickly as possible and evacuate the auditorium. thunderbird meat grinder for sale It’s what Lady Gregory would have wanted.

History is just gossiping about dead people but it impresses people a lot more. thunderbird meat grinder reviews So just say Henry VIII but in your head be thinking of Cheryl Cole.

Museums are brilliant. thunderbird meat grinder attachments You can leave your bag in them so you don’t have to lug it around town and the coffee shops are great. guy falls into meat grinder Recreations of olde worlde streets are the best. meat grinder waring pro parts You can happily wander around Viking Dublin and imagine how different life would have been if you had only bought a house then. meat grinder waring Sure you’d be dead by the time you were 30 but at least you’d be on the property ladder. pictures of meat grinders On your visit, make a point of asking any museum guide over the age of 40 what a mortgage means, or pension or job security. dog food deaths Then shake your head and say loudly: “Wow, the olden days were mental”.

If you go to the ballet, you are just encouraging young female dancers to develop eating disorders. fast food deaths The only time they can relax is if they get a chance to play the snowman at Christmas time. purina cat food deaths You can support the arts in a much altruistic way by just nodding kindly when your friend gets up to do karaoke.

Young people with more complicated thoughts on wine than alcoholic percentage are as fun at a party as a priest attempting to spread the message of the gospel through rap. beneful dog food deaths Instead of bragging about the vintage of the wine you brought, why not just out yourself as being a young member of Fianna Fáil? People will like you better for it. food trailers for sale ohio The only question you need to bother yourself with is will this get me drunk? Is there a cartoon on the front? If it’s bad wine, make sure it’s bad enough for people to think you’re doing it ironically.

Politics in Ireland is fascinating. dating women with herpes While other countries’ political systems waste their time on tedious debates about whether the power of the big state supersedes the importance of a free market, things are simpler here. how to use the kitchenaid meat grinder attachment We just have to figure out whose great granddad tried to kill our granddad in the Civil War and vote accordingly.

It’s good to have an opinion. white animals music Avoid people who slowly declare, as if they are Gandalf The Grey, that in most situations both sides of an argument are as bad as each other.

These people are truly the intellectual equivalent of a broken-down night bus. mexican food clipart free In later years, they will ring up talk radio stations and take pride in the host remembering their name. robot chicken streaming episodes They are the sort of people who think it’s really interesting to point out that Frankenstein was actually the name of the doctor.

You are a student: you should either be winding everyone up by declaring your soft spot for Henry Kissinger or issuing bomb threats in the name of Greenpeace. robot chicken streaming Whatever you do, think for yourself and have an opinion, just try not to compare every single news story to Harry Potter. robot chicken streaming video This is tempting but for the love of Dumbledore, there are other books. robot chicken streaming free Besides, it’s such a Ravenclaw thing to do.